I want to live like everyday is heaven. What would that be like to you? What what that feel like? I envision it going something like this: I wake up. I smile. I feel fresh, new and ready to live the lessons I learned from the day before. I think a day like heaven would rely on forgiveness of hurts. Philosophies of acceptance for differences. I think living life like heaven relies heavily on communication and understanding why we say the things we do. Maybe we haven’t forgiven a hurt and it keeps coming back to haunt us. In any case, I want to explore the hurts and let them go. 

This is my goal for the year. I already dance to music. All the time. I sing louder than I should. All the time. Love. I definitely think it’s awesome to give it. Get it? HEAVEN! But living each day like heaven? That’s a long goal in itself. A beautiful goal. 

My mother said to me awhile back, “Erika, stop running. You get your feelings hurt and you shut down. You push people away. This time, dig in your heels. Let the steam die down for a few weeks. Maybe something will surprise you.” 

Her words surprised me.She rarely called me out like that. I thought about it for a long time. All sorts of old memories surfaced about me moving from one hometown to another. Making Friends. Losing Friends. And all because I didn’t believe in “AND.”

I guess I’ve lived my life believing it’s not okay to disagree. If you disagree you’re too different, so let it go and step away. My best friend kept apology letters from me in her drawer for the longest time, how we’d fight over a place to eat. I wanted to win. I did, and then I felt so rotten I’d send her a 5 page letter about how sorry I was. I didn’t have to win. It’s not like we’d never go to dinner again and the next time, I could pick.

I realize now, after many hurt relationships and landing a job in corporate training where I actually taught managers how to work with people, how wrong my personal philosophy was, even though I didn’t realize how deeply I hung on to that theory.

The curriculum of Crucial Conversations opened my eyes to a whole new world of speaking and acting. I always thought I had to hide what I felt inside if someone didn’t agree. I was scared of fighting, even though in some weird way I was also a fighter.

This is the year I want to define ME. I want to live each day with what matters most to me. And in order to do that, I have to search my soul. I know I’m a wife, a mother, a friend, a coworker, a daughter a sister, an aunt and so many other things, but deep down, I want to tease the “me” apart so I can be better in the rest of my roles.

Life happens so fast, you blink and you don’t realize you’ve left behind the things that brought joy to you. I want to recreate those joys. Getting married, having two babies, working and living day-to-day can make you forget some of the important things inside your own heart.

2012 was a difficult year on many levels in almost all the roles in my life. I think I’m ready for 2013. I’ve got a flashlight and I’ll shine my way through. I’ll explore the “AND” in all things and all relationships, the power of forgiveness, and what life could be like if every single day I reminded myself of the power of both. That’s what I think would help me LIVE everyday just a little bit closer to heaven. So I’ll set it as my dream this year and I’ll keep you posted on how I do.