I am currently sharing my thoughts and dreams at http://www.cloudninegirl.com

Please stop in, I’d love to hear from you.

Erika

…or a back flip.
I was never good at gymnastics. Strength and endurance, definitely. Dancing, sure. Somersaults, I  could do a good one. But then my teachers introduced me to front flips–heck no.

It’s not that I was physically incapable to do a flip, I could. I just knew it wasn’t for me, and I had so many other things I wanted to do that meant I wouldn’t scare myself every single practice on that mat. So I quit. I went on to other things I knew I loved and looked forward to, because they felt natural. And so the fine line between life and balance began.

Ever think there’s never enough time in the day? Ever feel like your stuck and there’s no time for you? I do. It’s hard. Getting older means I have more roles to add to my life and then my personal goals could easily be pushed under the rug.

So what I’ve done is create my top priority list, the things that matter most. Here they are, if you want to know:

1. Take care of the family
2. Take care of my job(s)
3. Take care of me, because that also makes me happy, whether that means, faith, writing, goals, whatever I need to do to fill my heart.

There’s only so much time in the day and I have so many roles from a mother, a career person, a wife and friend. There’s not much time to achieve dreams. Maybe it’s a 5 minute mental brainstorm sessions. Maybe it’s writing down a few thoughts on a post it note. In the end, as long as you do a little something everyday that’s good for your dreams and your soul, well that’s something incredible.

Today is about Belief.

Confidence. Faith. Trust.

Calm and peace are two things I try to exist in everyday. And this week has posed a greater challenge than usual.

My dad’s surgery is tomorrow morning. I am heading home to stay with my brothers and sisters in the hospital tonight. So a little nervous—definitely. I take comfort with the thought that now is my time to be the support. This is my chance to be a rock—one of the five rocks and give my heart and my energy to my dad and stepmom. As a parent, I can certainly understand the position they both must feel—how “we” are the mom and the dad. “We” take care of our children. “We” are the strength, the foundation, the backbone, and the nurturers for our children and grandchildren.

And right now they’re in a difficult place because in this moment they need “us” more than ever. I am ready.

And I thought I would share a few things I am doing to help me remain calm and peaceful:

 1. Relaxation: I got up this morning and focused on a quick five-minute meditative state, quieting my mind and focusing on my breath. Five minutes was harder than I thought so technically, I think I made it to four minutes. ;0) Busy thoughts are notorious for weaving their way into my head. And pushing them out? Well, all I can say is I did my best. Next time I think I’ll listen to some ocean music. Maybe the sounds won’t tempt my thoughts to trickle right back in.

2. Aromatherapy: Shampoos and soaps. By accident this morning, I realized how a smell can make you breathe easier in seconds. I recently bought a new shampoo. I think it’s L’oreal Sulfate Free Ever Strong. After I rubbed it into my hair, the smells of pine and rosemary overwhelmed me and I couldn’t stop those easy long breaths. I was breathing them and felt so much better…

3. Focus on the Good: Remember my dad’s quote from just a few days ago:

               “Think good things and say goods things. Good things will eventually find their way back to you.”

4. Mantras: Believe. Believe in the best. Everything will work out exactly as it’s supposed to.

5. Love: Lots and lots of hugs, eye contact, and smiles.

So my journey begins.

Something life altering.

And I certainly plan to embrace it.

The hands that bind me.

Sunday Morning. I got a text from my sister. Something had happened to my dad. A mild heart attack. Something I never thought would happen to him. Regardless of the projected outcome that he’d bounce back and be okay in that moment, I had to see him. I had to hold his hand and kiss his cheek. So I packed up my son and kissed my husband and baby girl goodbye, and headed the three and a half hours to the hospital.

My mind spun out of control, but my face, my actions didn’t show it. I sang songs with my son and we talked about his latest and greatest Scooby Doo game and all the adventures. Then he drifted off in a nap and my mind was wandering on its own. I kept thinking, how could this happen? I’m not ready for this. And what must be going through my stepmom’s mind? What was it like for her to see him, and catch him and watch his life vacillate between her world and heaven?

And then I saw him. My dad. A man of strength—courage—the epitome of coaching and fitness. The man with a philosophy, “You’re only as old as you let yourself think” –and I was scared.

I guess I’m throwing myself out there today, because in the time I had to think between that phone call and the minute I woke up this morning, I’ve been struggling with pain. I’ve been struggling with the past. Panic has risen up and brought with it many difficult memories that refuse to lay back down. And I think it’s important to talk about that power pain has—the unfortunate problems that come up because we can’t get our own hands to relinquish our own grip around our throats.

Our minds are beautiful things and tormenting things. The pain in one moment opens old wounds and brings up old memories. I’m sucked into the “should haves” and selfish thoughts of why didn’t I say more and do more. Then the feelings swell up so high, like a tidal wave upon tidal wave—it’s almost impossible to determine what emotion goes with what circumstance. So how then do we stop and get a grip?

Pain is paralyzing. It can suffocate your goals and dreams in seconds. I’m learning to fight back. I’m trying to figure out how to separate my feelings from the facts and remain in the present. So I’m sharing some thoughts I learned in how to find the release button:

*tips right from Oprah.com

Change Will Happen

The world won’t stand still just because I want to live in one second of my entire life for the rest of my life. We meet people. We make decisions. All of these things are based on our experiences. Not only does the world change, but it’s important to accept we will change for the better or the worse. I’d rather change for the better and I think the outcome is almost entirely up to me.  So I guess what I read means when change happens, be ready to find all the good things in it. Now I must admit, this is really scary. I’m scared of thinking about what life will be like after surgery on Friday. I’m praying with everything I have that the best will happen and my dad will come out better than ever. But I also know now, none of the crap in my past matters. I have to let it go. I have to love my dad and myself and respect that every moment was supposed to be exactly the way it was.

Positive Thoughts Every Day

When I get up tomorrow, I will place my faith in a positive outcome. I will fight with courage. I will love every minute. I will make myself see the day as a good thing and not a fearful thing. I have to. I have to remember that my dad is a blessing and a miracle.

Peace and Hope

To start my day off tomorrow, I will tie it with one of my dreams. The hope of finding the peace inside myself. I will take five if not ten minutes before my bunnies wake up and practice a little yoga. I will focus on my body and let go of my fears—at least for five whole minutes. Maybe if I can center myself and calm the mind before it runs away with everything else, the panic will settle down.

I expect to have some hard times ahead. I expect some hard memories to try and work their way back into the forefront. But then I will have to make a choice; either they win or something better, greater and happier will.