Crippling Vices And Honest Change

I wasn’t born one of the best communicators in the world. Heck, my mind thinks in squirrelly backwards ways unless I stop myself and say…whoa there Erika. Did you start off with the facts? Is this person standing right in front you looking at you all dazed because you forgot to mention what you’re actually talking about before you started talking? Then I’d wonder, can I really be honest without hurting their feelings? And if I hurt their feelings, what’s going to happen next?

Yeah…big glaring problems of the past. My crippling communication vice.

I was the silent writer growing up. Better with paper and pen, I can write the best darn love letter, or essay, or book. But all out verbal arguments? EEK!

I’m a lover not a fighter. But in this world, you have to learn how to be good at both and I knew if I really wanted to change and get what I wanted, I’d have to act and learn how to do the things to get me there–here’s what I’ve learned.

POINT: Change happens. For the good or for the bad based on our choices. We are where we are because that’s where all of our choices have led us. But we also, in every single moment, have choices that effect how we change. If we believe we can succeed, our energy flows with that thought. If we believe we can’t, our energy isn’t available from the start and we follow our thoughts.

And my fears of communication? Well, I had and constantly have to face them. I have to work on them in a mix of ways.  I’ve had to learn how to manage the sensation of fear in my body and what to do when it threatens to clog up my throat or my mind, leaving me staring like a deer trapped in bright glaring headlights. And here’s what I do:

I take a breath.

Sometimes I ask for a second.

Sometimes I ask a clarifying question to get my mind going.

But always I ask myself, what do I really want in this situation.

The I use my sweetest, kindest voice I can, and I always begin this way:

I feel really hurt about X and here’s why….but this is just my perspective.

It seems like….X….

And I’m not really sure if this is what is really going on…and I don’t mean to hurt or upset you back but I honestly feel like I need to let you know because I would want to know. Do you see why I might think so? What if you were me…how would you feel?

This kind of stuff. And you know what??? It works! You CAN be both honest and kind.

So fight fight fight to keep you tone in check, your rising voice in check—and yes—remain calm. Even if the fireworks are exploding in your head. Even if you want to let loose and just let this person have it. Because if you do…what is your purpose?

For me, I’ve realized if I let my temper loose on that other person, I’m crushing them just to make myself feel better. And that’s not what I want at all. I am better than that. And I will continue to get better because I want to.

About Erika Beebe

Author, dreamer, and a momma to a couple of wonderful kids, I try to live life everyday in hope and inspire others along my way.

Posted on February 8, 2012, in change, cloud nine girl, communication, honesty, positive attitude. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Boy I have to work really hard on this. It definitely takes work to master the art of having a crucial conversation or comfrontation with someone. I never want to hurt someone's feelings, but I also want them to grow and be better. Thanks for the examples! I'm definitely going to remember those to use them!

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